There’s no way to avoid it. From listening to sad love songs, to eating tubs of ice cream to fill the new hole in your heart- breakups SUCK. But of course, sometimes they’re necessary. And contrary to popular belief, science may know more about fixing a broken heart than we think! 💔
In a study in the ‘Journal of experimental psychology: General’, researchers actually tested out a number of techniques on 24 heartbroken people (ages 20 to 37) who were all still miserably hung up over their long-term relationships that lasted from 2 months to 8 years. 😢 They were split into four groups, and each group was told to try out a different coping mechanism to get over their exes.
The first group was told to think negatively about their exes. 🙅 The idea here was that by highlighting and focusing on the annoying habits of their ex, their affection for them would lessen, which would ultimately help ease the pain of the heartbreak. The second group was told to simply accept how they truly feel and to think thoughts such as “It’s okay to love someone I’m no longer with”. 😔 In other words, they were told to acknowledge and accept these feelings without judgment instead of trying to fight them. The third coping mechanism was distraction. The participants were told to think and do anything that had nothing to do with their ex. And, obviously, to keep these thoughts positive. 😃 The fourth group was told to think about nothing in particular.
Next, the researchers then showed the participants pictures of their exes and with the help of an EEG (encephalogram), measured how positive or negative they felt while seeing them. The machine can even tell how captivated the person was by the photo. 😯
What were the results? The EEG readings actually showed that all three strategies significantly reduced the participants’ emotional response compared to how they felt before the study, but each method still had its shortcomings. 🤔 The first group was the only group that felt less love towards their exes, but they also ended up in a worse overall mood. The second group didn’t feel any better nor did their love for the exes reduce, but their emotional response to the photo was dulled. The third group was in a happier mood, but their love towards their exes remained the same. 🙇♀️
In all honesty, there’s no real ‘right way’ to move on after a breakup. After all, getting over a relationship isn’t something that can be done overnight. 🤷 But here’s a few things that the experts think you should try:
1. Write a list
Writing a list of as many negative things about your ex as you can think of once a day until you feel better may be effective, says Professor Langeslag. Though this exercise may worsen one’s overall mood, Langeslag says, this effect usually goes away. 📝
From her past research, she has also found out that this method also helps in decreasing the affection and attachment towards the ex, helping a broken heart heal better in the long run. 🤗
2. Take care of yourself
“Become your own best friend and treat yourself with love and compassion. Feelings like sadness, anger and even depression are normal after a breakup,” says Antonia Hall, MA., a psychologist and relationship expert. Crying over your break up isn’t a sign of weakness 😭 – it’s actually a step towards getting better. “It’s good to give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship in healthy ways, like crying, beating up pillows and journaling your feelings,” says Hall. 💔
3. Prioritize your health
When you go through a difficult breakup, you tend to not care about any other thing. Your favourite dish doesn’t tempt you, you don’t feel hungry anymore and you don’t even remember what sleep was. 😟
“Studies have found that people in long-term relationships tend to regulate each other’s biological rhythms,” Maanvi Singh writes for NPR. “A breakup can throw your entire physiology out of whack, disrupting your sleep, appetite, body temperature and heart rate. The stress of a divorce can compromise your immune system.” 🤒
4. Connect with others
As humans, we have the biological need to have a human connection with someone else. 💑 “The science suggests that a disruption of connection, including the breakup of a romantic relationship, causes real pain,” says Jordan Pickell, MCP RCC, a registered clinical counselor. To get over the pain, we tend to seek a connection with another human – be it a new romantic partner, a friend or a therapist. 👭 “This is why rebounding is so common,” says David Bennett, a certified counselor and relationship expert, “It’s people recovering from the pain of a break up seeking a neurochemical ‘hit’ similar to what the partner they broke up with gave them,”. Rebounding isn’t recommended though, since they don’t always work out and you could be on the way to another breakup. We suggest spending some time with your closest friend or speaking to a professional. 🙂
Talking often about the breakup actually helps. 💬 In a study conducted with over 200 people who had recently gone through a heartbreak – half were required to come in often and speak to experimenters about the breakup, as well as fill out surveys, while the other half came in and filled out a survey once at the beginning of the experiment and once at the end. At the end of the study, they found that the first half who spoke about the breakup more often, were under lesser distress and they felt more like themselves as compared to the second half. 🤩
5. Avoid them in every possible way
Biological anthropologist, Helen Fisher, says that in case of a breakup, you should treat your ex the exact way you’d treat an addiction. 🏃♀️ If you’re addicted to something and you’re trying to quit, you’ll avoid it, try not to be around it, remove traces of it from your house, etc. Similarly, “Throw out the cards and letters or put them in the box and put them in the attic,” she says. “Don’t write, don’t call, don’t show up where this person is likely to be.” 🙅
Instead: “Go out with old friends. Get hugs from old friends—that drives up the oxytocin system and calms you down. The day will come when that person who’s been camping in your head is out. And you wake up in the morning and you realize that yesterday you never thought about them at all.” 😍
6. Let time do its thing
This may sound cliché, but honestly, time heals everything. ⏳ “This gives the body’s physiology a chance to return to normal, and readjust from the rise and fall that came (and went) from the infatuation and break up,” says Bennett. When the addiction fades and your body returns to its normal state, you’ll be able to see your ex more realistically. 😮 If you’re still hurting, do things that make you feel good. “Exercise is great because it increases production of feel-good chemicals while reducing stress hormones,” says Hall, “Eat right, and avoid overuse of alcohol, which can lead to even greater feelings of depression. Now is the time to call upon your support people, rather than isolating yourself.” 👭
Written and Researched by Najah Bashir
